Just Because I Can
Title: Funny Little Feeling.
Author: OtherCrazyThing
Rating: PG-13 for a kiss, R for jerking off and f-words
Pairing: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
POV: 3rd, Ryan's.
Summary: It's about coming out of the shell. ~4600 words.
Disclaimer: It's so not true. The title from Rock 'n' Roll Soldiers.
Beta: allesodernichts
Author Notes: It's the biggest fic I've ever written. It's like a huge event for me because I usually write in another language. /o\Теперь то же самое на почти русском, ибо I'm fucking proud of it! Потому что я написала почти 5 тыщ слов О_О Это не то, чтобы самый большой фик на английском, который я когда-либо писала, а самый большой фик, который я написала за последние полгода наверное. 0_О Anyway, that's my tiny-tiny baby ^_^
*
Read
Ryan didn't know exactly when it'd started. Did it start that night when they got so fucking drunk that the world seemed to whirl around them at the double speed or did it start much earlier when Ryan had become a witness of Brendon's gay kiss at the random club's stage? He didn't know but sometimes he would like to remember that point of no-return, the very start of it.
+++
It turned out that Ryan was a big person in their quite small company. One day he realized that he had a bunch of good friends to hang out with every weekend, and that his opinion was listened to and taken into account. Though Ryan always considered himself as anti-social and almost a freak at communicating, he really couldn't get how come that he started to spend his free time in the company of the most wonderful people who loved him for real. So then he just stopped thinking about it and enjoyed what he already had.
When Brendon and he first met, Ryan didn't pay much attention to him – one more guy, who could or could not be his friend in the future. Yeah, Brendon talked a lot and did have a sense of humour, and his jokes made Ryan laugh plenty of times during that evening, but no more.
Later they met occasionally at different parties and after a couple of such meetings, Ryan found himself chatting with Brendon happily about all possible things in the world every time they got together. They had each other's phone numbers, befriended each other on Facebook, Twitter and whatnot, and if there was a party or just a plain hang out, Ryan always invited Brendon. Just because he felt comfortable in his company, because Brendon always found a way to make Ryan smile.
But nothing more.
Once, it was late at night and Ryan couldn't drag himself away from his laptop and from talking to Brendon via AIM. The topic touched sexual orientations and Ryan confessed that back in his teens he had a pretty huge crush on a boy.
“really?” Brendon's reaction was quick, “interesting. tell me more!”
“nothing to tell-tale about, really,” Ryan smiled at the memory, “but he was cute.”
"i bet."
The conversation ended with a general conclusion that yeah, everybody's gay and nothing hurts.
+++
They found that gay club accidentally. Brendon invited Ryan there and all his friends, and Ryan wasn't confused at all because they'd discussed that earlier and really, they went there for fun, dancing and having a great time. Did it really matter that the half of the people in the club were gay? Not really.
The music was good, the bar was awesome and people were dancing like mad intoxicated by the atmosphere.
Big company of theirs took the nearest table to the stage. William and Gabe were dancing together pulling each other's T-shirts up intending to take them off and laughing like crazy. Jon tried to tempt Spencer with smoking a joint in the toilet but Spencer was busy drinking his third bottle of beer. Brendon perfectly organized his time so nobody left without his attention, or a smile, or a simple wave of a hand. Ryan enjoyed everything that was going on around him.
He literally blinked and missed when a small contest was announced and Brendon already was on the stage waving hands and smiling like a rock-star. Ryan moved closer to watch.
The contest was plain and simple – a random girl kissed a random girl from the crowd and then a guy kissed a guy with all the passion they were capable of. After the making out sessions the audience decided on the winners.
Ryan was a little surprised by Brendon's readiness to take part in such a contest. He considered if he could do the same. Not with a guy he doesn't know, he decided and brought his attention back to the stage.
The girls’ kiss was hot, no kidding. The crowd was whistling and cheering, encouraging. Few minutes later the girls pulled off each other with satisfied grins. Now it was a boys’ turn and Ryan stared unwillingly at the pair – Brendon and some random guy with a lot of hair.
Their kissing seemed unnatural to Ryan not because it was between the guys but because they put too much effort in it, too much passion which didn't exist between them. The crowd was in ecstasy though, and Ryan himself was howling like a mad man.
The girls won. Brendon got off the stage with the guy he'd been kissing who seemed to be glued to Brendon's side and didn't leave him alone for the rest of the evening. But Ryan managed to pat him on the shoulder and said,
“Good job, dude, good job.”
Brendon grinned.
“Not a big deal.”
Ryan smiled back.
“Your beloved is waiting for you,” he nodded at the kissed-by-Brendon guy, who was appearing from nowhere again.
Weird but Ryan wondered if he could kiss Brendon in front of everyone in the club just for fun.
+++
There was that girl at Ryan's work who he thought he liked a lot. She was pretty and smart, and Ryan couldn't stop thinking about her.
“You are pathetic,” Brendon concluded when Ryan told him about her, “I don't understand what you are waiting for, ask her out.”
“You think?”
“Ryan Ross, you are really pathetic,” Brendon repeated and smiled softly noticing Ryan's concerned face, “Okay, do you want me to help you with that?”
“No!” Ryan exclaimed, “I can do it. Yeah, sure, I'll ask her out.”
“I never stop believing in you, Ross,” Brendon nodded approvingly.
+++
A couple of days later Ryan phoned Brendon and reported that after an absolutely amazing date with interesting conversations, smiles and delicious coffee not in the cheapest café around, the girl confessed she already had a boyfriend.
“What a bitch!” Brendon seemed to be in fury, “She has no right to play with your heart!”
“Brendon, stop,” Ryan sighed, “She doesn't have my heart, okay, but yeah, the situation actually sucks.”
“Okay, I got it. Let's meet in an hour, and you tell me what the heck was going on at that date, and then we'll drink a bottle or two of beer for the cruelest among the women. How about that?”
Ryan laughed.
“Deal.”
+++
A bottle of beer was the beginning. Ryan really didn't plan to get that drunk because of a stupid date. They drunk three bottles each and Ryan couldn't walk steadily when he tried to make his way to the toilet. He giggled like a lunatic opening the door from the inside which didn't open because he couldn't understand how the fuck that latch worked.
“Brendon! Get me out of here!” he laughed hysterically pounding at the door weakly and wiped away the tears when he heard Brendon's laugh at the other side of the door.
“Drunkard”, Brendon said to him teasingly.
Later they stumbled out of the bar clinging to each other's shoulders and were afraid to let go because in that case they would probably fall down.
“All right,” Brendon said, “I have a bottle of whiskey at home and we should finish it today. Now.”
“You fucking kidding me?” Ryan hiccupped, the earth was moving under his feet, he could swear by it, “I can't. I can't drink anymore.”
“Bullshit,” Brendon squeezed Ryan's shoulder even harder, “be a man!”
Ryan laughed at that silly provocative joke but let Brendon lead him.
+++
When he swallowed the first few gulps of the strongest alcohol he'd ever drunk, the edges of his vision became even more blurry. They talked about something he couldn't remember, Brendon was laughing all the time, and they even tried to dial that girl's number but failed, and were laughing again, and the world really seemed a better place. No, the best place that ever existed. After such an amount of alcohol, duh.
“Shush! Shush!” Brendon crept into his bedroom on his tiptoes as if he was afraid to wake somebody up, though there was nobody except them in the flat.
They crushed on Brendon's large bed and Ryan closed his eyes, smiling stupidly and trying to stop the world spinning by the power of his mind. He felt Brendon's fingers in his hair and in any other case he'd be surprised but now it was nice and Ryan leant into the touch.
“She doesn't deserve you,” Brendon stated drunk serious repeating the same phrase for about fifteenth time during the evening and managing to put it into different words every time, “She doesn't I swear.”
“I know,” Ryan answered slowly falling asleep.
“Don't even think about her,”
“I will not,” Ryan shifted into a more comfortable position.
“There are thousands, millions, man! Millions of women in the world, they are all around!”
“Mmhm,” Ryan was at his best at responding to Brendon's speech because even being drunk didn't mean he could be impolite, he thought.
“And dude, there are not only women waiting for you, right? There are also guys, huh?” he paused, “I remember you said you liked one back in your green promiscuous years.”
Ryan's eyes snapped wide open. In slow motion he turned his head to Brendon,
“What?”
He didn't know Brendon remembered that and he didn't expect for it to come up.
Brendon stared at him and even in the dark Ryan saw his vague smile. Suddenly the world stopped spinning and all the alcohol seemed to die in his veins.
“That was so long ago that I'm not sure now it's true anymore,” Ryan tried to play it cool, though something seemed to set deep in his stomach.
“Okay,” Brendon sang-song and Ryan looked at him again.
They laughed it off and fell silent at last, but “don't do anything you'll regret in the morning” hammered in Ryan's head until he fell asleep. He didn't even know what he could do to regret but felt that something had changed.
+++
A wild hangover woke them both up about 6 o'clock in the morning. Ryan was ready to chop his head off and put it into the fridge, it was aching that bad. Brendon got up with a groan and headed for the kitchen for the pills or something. Ryan followed.
“Jesus fuck, it hurts like a bitch,” Brendon rubbed his forehead, “no more drinking.”
Ryan couldn't even speak. Any sound tortured him, left alone the efforts to say anything himself. He swallowed the pill, drank two glasses of water and got back to the bed watching his surreal dreams up to the end.
+++
Ryan always considered himself straight. Yeah, okay, he had liked that boy when he studied in college, because he was cute and interesting to talk to, but no more. That single interest in a boy didn't make him even bi.
And now Brendon with his suggestive glares and smiles made Ryan feel paranoid because he thought they were hiding something.
Next day after the sleepover at Brendon's Ryan got a message from him:
“cant get last nite out of my mind”
Ryan read the message about ten times, then texted back:
“it was fun.are u still drunk?cos i am”
"rofl not sober much for sure”
Did Ryan imagine things or what exactly did Brendon mean by that very first message? He didn't get it yet.
+++
They started to spend more time together. It just happened and Ryan felt that Brendon and he were becoming closer. The sleepovers were a usual thing and often he stayed at Brendon's to watch a movie, talk till 2 in the morning and fell asleep right there.
Sometimes he noticed so much adoration in Brendon's eyes that he felt confused because Ryan didn't see what he could be adored for.
Beer was a usual thing too and once being just a little tipsy Ryan glanced at Brendon's lips and the idea to kiss them hit him so hard, he felt his quickened heartbeat in the throat.
He took a deep breath and pushed that ridiculous thought out of his head.
But he couldn't fall asleep for a long time that night. They slept in one bed, because Brendon insisted, because he said he slept badly, with nightmares, if there's no one near him, warm and alive. Of course Ryan couldn't say no. And now Brendon lay next to him but they didn't touch. Ryan thought that if he looked at him, something would happen. He resisted till he gave in and turned his head to Brendon, who was sleeping soundly.
Ryan sighed and closed his eyes. Name “Brendon” was pulsing in his brain and even when he fell asleep it crept into his dreams and was burning bright till the morning.
+++
A few days later Ryan was jerking off thinking of Brendon, his eyes, his gorgeous lips. He was honest with himself and couldn't deny that Brendon captured his imagination completely. Brendon's face was behind his eyelids when he reached the climax and came whispering his name like a sacrament.
+++
Before the following collapse took place Brendon managed to show Ryan that he preferred boys to girls in all the possible ways. It was not like,
“You know, Ryan, I'm gay.”
No. It was more like,
“Hey, check that guy out, he's pretty, huh? Nice ass.”
Or the unforgettable one which made Ryan choke on his cup of coffee,
“I'd go gay for Darren Criss.”
Ryan was confused inside but outside he nodded and smiled because he had nothing against Darren Criss really, and he'd never been homophobic either, and if Brendon liked some guy, good for him, right? Brendon's preferences in guys had nothing to do with Ryan personally.
Ryan just didn't want to take it as hints though they were hints, he thought at the same time. Had Brendon always been that gay and he just hadn't noticed? But on the other hand he really didn't want to know anything about that. Sometimes he was afraid of something that he felt and couldn't give a name to.
+++
Brendon's birthday party was kinda hardcore for Ryan. About twenty friends in a small café, beer everywhere and as a result a bunch of drunk people talking shit, laughing and having real fun.
Ryan knew that every time he got drunk, his mind became paralyzed by Brendon. His image, his lips, and what Ryan could do with them. Fantasies about him were fulfilling Ryan with a speed of light after every glass of beer.
Honestly when Ryan didn't spend much time with Brendon, he simply didn't think much about him. Then he thought that he saw things, and all his crazy intentions were just a minute urge, nothing he couldn't cope with. He knew he didn't want Brendon. He was far from 16-year old checking out his sexuality.
But sometimes, especially when he got drunk, the desire to feel Brendon's lips on his own, to find out what Brendon tasted like, was so strong, his mind went blank for a split second and his heart beat loudly and traitorously against the ribcage, and he couldn't control it at all.
He caught Brendon's glares on him and glared back, and every glare was becoming heavier, darker. It was like hypnoses, they couldn't stop.
Ryan was pretty drunk now and uncontrollable emotions were bumping in his veins making him dizzy. He felt weak in his knees when he stood up and headed to the toilet.
“Oh, I have to pee too,” he heard Brendon's voice and his head floated completely.
He tried to calm down in the closet. He pressed his forehead against the door and took a few deep-deep breaths.
When he came out Brendon was waiting for him.
And then he almost lost it.
Ryan saw himself coming up to Brendon, pressing him against the wall and kissing him furiously. Kissing him until their lips went numb, until he memorized Brendon's taste forever.
Ryan almost lost it, but he didn't.
He shook his head and with the remains of willpower pushed everything he'd just imagined out of his mind.
“Ready?” his smile was a little bit forced.
“Yup!” Brendon seemed not to notice anything going on with Ryan.
Or had he made everything up again and did all that shit exist only in his head?
They returned to their table and he felt he was becoming sober after his emotional breakdown which nobody noticed. His thoughts were clearer now and he tried not to look at Brendon as intensely as before. Everything’s okay, he repeated to himself and the adrenaline slowly died in his blood.
The wild urge to kiss Brendon disappeared but he never knew when and how heavy it would strike him next time.
+++
Ryan felt like an idiot. Like a 15-year-old idiot because he had a feeling he needed to do something but he was afraid of making that step. By “that step” he meant to talk with Brendon, to say to him that, you know, Brendon, you drive me crazy, kiss me. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Yeah, that was why Ryan felt like an idiot. It wasn't because he never kissed, Jesus, no, it was because he had never kissed a guy, Brendon, to be more accurate. And Ryan didn't want to be the first who started that, he didn't want to be responsible for everything that – probably – might happen after such a conversation. He didn't even want to think what might really happen after that.
Sometimes he was scared by the thought that he could fall in love with Brendon. It made him laugh but the idea was still there. He couldn't understand why he was so serious about that, why he couldn't just come up to Brendon, kiss him – if Ryan so crazy about it – and just forget it. Not a big deal, just a kiss. But he knew, knew for sure, that if they kissed, nothing would remain the same. It wouldn't be a kiss for fun, for finding out if they matched, something was already there.
He often remembered when Brendon kissed a boy he didn't even know the name of in front of about a hundred people, then got off the stage, smiled and carried on his way as if nothing happened. Well, yeah, that kiss with a stranger really meant nothing, but Brendon wasn't a stranger to Ryan.
But did Ryan mean something important for Brendon? Did he feel the same? Did Brendon want to talk to him? Did he want to kiss him too? And what did the fuck all those “I'd go gay for Darren Criss” mean? Ryan needed Brendon to assure him he wasn't a paranoid who saw only what he wanted to see.
Then why did Brendon himself do nothing? All what he had done were hints as if he was playing, checking out Ryan's reaction to his words. What if Brendon didn't feel the same way as Ryan? Brendon would laugh at him while Ryan was ready to admit he was gay.
Oh my god.
So Ryan returned to the point of whether he wanted to attempt anything at all. He didn't even know Brendon. He had spent with him thousands of hours and still didn't know anything about him. The way he might react, the depth of his feelings… Maybe they were so different from the very beginning to begin anything serious at all!
What the hell was he even thinking about? What feelings, Jesus, he was so-so fucked.
What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he just so lonely he fell for another guy, his friend, or was he always that gay, okay, bi at least, and didn't know about that? And why Brendon, why him? Why the fuck did Ryan tell him he had a crush on a boy, why the fuck did Brendon remember that?
At the end of that tremendous thinking which happened to be at about 5 o'clock in the morning, Ryan came to two conclusions. Either he kept a poker face forever waiting for all that shit to set down, to finish somehow, or he would talk to Brendon, clear everything up. Kiss him at last. And fuck everything that would follow it.
Shit. He was in a mess.
+++
The chance to realize his plans came up pretty soon. As they continued to hang out together Ryan stayed at Brendon's on one Friday night. He kept calm and acted as usual. Brendon acted as usual as well. Ryan was glad that nothing had changed but something inside was still wearing him out. God, why, why couldn't he just drop it, relax, forget about that? Not try to find something that would be definitely a sign for him to …
“You are quiet today,” Brendon noticed, “everything’s okay?”
No, Ryan thought, I think I'm falling in love with you.
But he just shrugged and smiled a little:
“Yeah,” he said and fell silent which was a mistake.
Brendon turned to him still chewing a piece of pizza which he had just cut off and looked at Ryan attentively.
“Sure?” he insisted.
“Of course,” he faked a laugh and hated himself already, he was such a coward.
“Okay,” Brendon picked up a plate with the cut pizza and announced, “Good movies make you feel even better!”
They chose Slumdog Millionaire and nested themselves on a cozy coach. The pizza was really delicious and the movie really interesting but all that Ryan could think of was that Brendon's hand was so close to his, he could reach out and take it in his own. He glanced at Brendon sideways who was watching the movie with full interest unaware of the rest of the world. His skin was glowing in the faint light of a TV screen, and Ryan wasn't drunk now, but the desire to feel the softness of that skin was overwhelming. He felt the air he'd exhaled stuck deep in his lungs, it hurt.
“I have to pee”, he proclaimed and got off the couch.
History repeated itself but now Ryan was absolutely sober and couldn't, couldn't, just couldn't control himself. What the fuck? He took a deep breath. Two, three. Okay, he would be alright. He couldn't spend the rest of the night in the closet, right? He should go out and watch the movie. Eat pizza. Smile. Nothing happened, nothing would.
But when Ryan opened the door he found himself face to face with Brendon who was going to the kitchen for the forgotten Cola.
“Hey,” Ryan's voice was shaking, he was shaking, Jesus fuck, “I think I should go, I don't feel very well.”
Brendon came up to him even closer and looked at him worriedly.
“What's wrong? You were okay two minutes ago.”
Ryan laughed nervously again and swallowed the lump in his throat.
“I need to go,” he repeated, even his voice sounded pathetic, he thought.
“It's late.”
“It'll take a taxi.”
“Ryan…”
“What?!” he snapped at last.
Brendon blinked in surprise.
“Easy, man, I just… “
“Easy? Everything is easy for you, huh?” Ryan really didn't know what the fuck he was doing.
Brendon didn't answer. They stared at each other for two full minutes, then Ryan sighed and said,
“Let me go.”
“I didn't chain you up to the radiator, the door is open, in case you haven't noticed.”
Ryan closed his eyes and leant against the wall. His heartbeat was so loud, he was surprised why Brendon hadn't heard it yet.
Now or never, Ryan thought, and his stomach made a couple of flip-flaps.
“I…” he started and licked his dried lips, “just…”
Brendon waited and Ryan felt his gaze.
“Why do you do this to me?” Ryan said at last and felt just a tiny-tiny bit better, because he said something at least.
Brendon's eyes grew even bigger.
“Do what?”
"Oh, please, don't act as if you didn't want me…” he paused trying to find the right words.
“I didn't want you?” Brendon seemed to be confused.
“Fuck!” Ryan stormed into the room where the movie was still on, “Okay, let's put it straight. Answer me: why did you remind me of my schoolboy crush when we were drunk? Why did you look at me like that?”
“Like what?!” Brendon was following Ryan who was running circles around the room, “I understand absolutely nothing!”
“Oh, shit!” Ryan stopped and pointed a finger at Brendon face, “have you ever looked at me like… a man looks at the woman?”
“What?”
Ryan hated him right now and then, he swore to God, he hated him.
“Are you dumb? Have you ever checked me out?”
Brendon's eyes cast down. Aha! He was blushing! Fuck yeah.
“Okay, I take it as a yes” Ryan triumphed.
“And so?” Brendon became no less emotional than Ryan, “Okay, yes, YES, I checked you out, and YES, I find you pretty, beautiful even, then what? It's not like you let me do anything with that. You live in that shell of yours and nobody dares even to have a look at that priceless shit which you contain!”
Brendon took a shaky breath when he understood that he said too much, too harshly.
“What?” Ryan looked at him in a complete shock. Brendon found him beautiful and he lived in a shell? Priceless shit? What the fuck was going on?
He sat down on the coach. The smell of cold pizza irritated him.
“I don't want to cause you pain,” Ryan whispered at last not looking at Brendon.
“Who said you cause me pain?” Brendon was near him already on his knees in front of him, trying to look in Ryan's eyes, “You just can't, it's your nature.”
“Bullshit! Brendon, you don't even know what you're talking about. You don't know me, you never did, and I'm really, really scared that…”
“Hey,” Brendon said softly, and Ryan would give everything to feel his touch right now, “You're right, I don't know you because you never show me. But if you do, I swear, I won't be afraid, because there's nothing to be afraid of and that is what I know for sure. Even you with your fucked-up theories about your precious personality can't talk me out of it.”
Ryan's heart ached. It was too much.
“Come here,” Brendon said and Ryan’d never been so grateful for a hug.
They stayed so for a minute until Ryan heard himself say,
“Would you kiss me?” he asked out of the blue and was ready to bite his own tongue because he really didn't want to ask that. That just flew out of his mouth. Fuck.
“Would you?” Brendon teased and now they were staring at each other, eyes huge.
“I don't want to beg” Ryan said.
“Don't. Just do it,” Brendon was smiling, and Ryan remembered that he already hated him for a moment tonight.
“You first,” Ryan was stubborn like a stupid kid.
“You're incredible,” Brendon said and leant down.
When their lips met, Ryan breath hitched and the stomach did a funny thing, but he closed his eyes and lost it at last. He was dreaming about that for so long and it felt so much better than in his dreams. It was soft and wet and so real it hurt but in the most pleasant way.
“Why didn't you do that earlier?” Ryan asked when they pulled off each other for the air.
“I was afraid you'd push me away, you're so serious and complicated”, Brendon answered smiling, “but I succeeded in showing you that I like guys, huh?”
“That was in the meanest way ever!”
"Sometimes it was so funny to watch you.”
Ryan's jaw dropped.
“What? I knew it! You ass!” he slapped his lightly on the head.
Brendon laughed.
“I can kiss your pain awaaaay,” he sang and took Ryan's hand, “what about that?”
“Yes,” he nodded, “yes, please.”
“Then, you, me, coach, now,” Brendon dragged him down and Ryan felt he was the happiest human being alive.
The End.
Author: OtherCrazyThing
Rating: PG-13 for a kiss, R for jerking off and f-words
Pairing: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
POV: 3rd, Ryan's.
Summary: It's about coming out of the shell. ~4600 words.
Disclaimer: It's so not true. The title from Rock 'n' Roll Soldiers.
Beta: allesodernichts
Author Notes: It's the biggest fic I've ever written. It's like a huge event for me because I usually write in another language. /o\Теперь то же самое на почти русском, ибо I'm fucking proud of it! Потому что я написала почти 5 тыщ слов О_О Это не то, чтобы самый большой фик на английском, который я когда-либо писала, а самый большой фик, который я написала за последние полгода наверное. 0_О Anyway, that's my tiny-tiny baby ^_^
*
Read
Ryan didn't know exactly when it'd started. Did it start that night when they got so fucking drunk that the world seemed to whirl around them at the double speed or did it start much earlier when Ryan had become a witness of Brendon's gay kiss at the random club's stage? He didn't know but sometimes he would like to remember that point of no-return, the very start of it.
+++
It turned out that Ryan was a big person in their quite small company. One day he realized that he had a bunch of good friends to hang out with every weekend, and that his opinion was listened to and taken into account. Though Ryan always considered himself as anti-social and almost a freak at communicating, he really couldn't get how come that he started to spend his free time in the company of the most wonderful people who loved him for real. So then he just stopped thinking about it and enjoyed what he already had.
When Brendon and he first met, Ryan didn't pay much attention to him – one more guy, who could or could not be his friend in the future. Yeah, Brendon talked a lot and did have a sense of humour, and his jokes made Ryan laugh plenty of times during that evening, but no more.
Later they met occasionally at different parties and after a couple of such meetings, Ryan found himself chatting with Brendon happily about all possible things in the world every time they got together. They had each other's phone numbers, befriended each other on Facebook, Twitter and whatnot, and if there was a party or just a plain hang out, Ryan always invited Brendon. Just because he felt comfortable in his company, because Brendon always found a way to make Ryan smile.
But nothing more.
Once, it was late at night and Ryan couldn't drag himself away from his laptop and from talking to Brendon via AIM. The topic touched sexual orientations and Ryan confessed that back in his teens he had a pretty huge crush on a boy.
“really?” Brendon's reaction was quick, “interesting. tell me more!”
“nothing to tell-tale about, really,” Ryan smiled at the memory, “but he was cute.”
"i bet."
The conversation ended with a general conclusion that yeah, everybody's gay and nothing hurts.
+++
They found that gay club accidentally. Brendon invited Ryan there and all his friends, and Ryan wasn't confused at all because they'd discussed that earlier and really, they went there for fun, dancing and having a great time. Did it really matter that the half of the people in the club were gay? Not really.
The music was good, the bar was awesome and people were dancing like mad intoxicated by the atmosphere.
Big company of theirs took the nearest table to the stage. William and Gabe were dancing together pulling each other's T-shirts up intending to take them off and laughing like crazy. Jon tried to tempt Spencer with smoking a joint in the toilet but Spencer was busy drinking his third bottle of beer. Brendon perfectly organized his time so nobody left without his attention, or a smile, or a simple wave of a hand. Ryan enjoyed everything that was going on around him.
He literally blinked and missed when a small contest was announced and Brendon already was on the stage waving hands and smiling like a rock-star. Ryan moved closer to watch.
The contest was plain and simple – a random girl kissed a random girl from the crowd and then a guy kissed a guy with all the passion they were capable of. After the making out sessions the audience decided on the winners.
Ryan was a little surprised by Brendon's readiness to take part in such a contest. He considered if he could do the same. Not with a guy he doesn't know, he decided and brought his attention back to the stage.
The girls’ kiss was hot, no kidding. The crowd was whistling and cheering, encouraging. Few minutes later the girls pulled off each other with satisfied grins. Now it was a boys’ turn and Ryan stared unwillingly at the pair – Brendon and some random guy with a lot of hair.
Their kissing seemed unnatural to Ryan not because it was between the guys but because they put too much effort in it, too much passion which didn't exist between them. The crowd was in ecstasy though, and Ryan himself was howling like a mad man.
The girls won. Brendon got off the stage with the guy he'd been kissing who seemed to be glued to Brendon's side and didn't leave him alone for the rest of the evening. But Ryan managed to pat him on the shoulder and said,
“Good job, dude, good job.”
Brendon grinned.
“Not a big deal.”
Ryan smiled back.
“Your beloved is waiting for you,” he nodded at the kissed-by-Brendon guy, who was appearing from nowhere again.
Weird but Ryan wondered if he could kiss Brendon in front of everyone in the club just for fun.
+++
There was that girl at Ryan's work who he thought he liked a lot. She was pretty and smart, and Ryan couldn't stop thinking about her.
“You are pathetic,” Brendon concluded when Ryan told him about her, “I don't understand what you are waiting for, ask her out.”
“You think?”
“Ryan Ross, you are really pathetic,” Brendon repeated and smiled softly noticing Ryan's concerned face, “Okay, do you want me to help you with that?”
“No!” Ryan exclaimed, “I can do it. Yeah, sure, I'll ask her out.”
“I never stop believing in you, Ross,” Brendon nodded approvingly.
+++
A couple of days later Ryan phoned Brendon and reported that after an absolutely amazing date with interesting conversations, smiles and delicious coffee not in the cheapest café around, the girl confessed she already had a boyfriend.
“What a bitch!” Brendon seemed to be in fury, “She has no right to play with your heart!”
“Brendon, stop,” Ryan sighed, “She doesn't have my heart, okay, but yeah, the situation actually sucks.”
“Okay, I got it. Let's meet in an hour, and you tell me what the heck was going on at that date, and then we'll drink a bottle or two of beer for the cruelest among the women. How about that?”
Ryan laughed.
“Deal.”
+++
A bottle of beer was the beginning. Ryan really didn't plan to get that drunk because of a stupid date. They drunk three bottles each and Ryan couldn't walk steadily when he tried to make his way to the toilet. He giggled like a lunatic opening the door from the inside which didn't open because he couldn't understand how the fuck that latch worked.
“Brendon! Get me out of here!” he laughed hysterically pounding at the door weakly and wiped away the tears when he heard Brendon's laugh at the other side of the door.
“Drunkard”, Brendon said to him teasingly.
Later they stumbled out of the bar clinging to each other's shoulders and were afraid to let go because in that case they would probably fall down.
“All right,” Brendon said, “I have a bottle of whiskey at home and we should finish it today. Now.”
“You fucking kidding me?” Ryan hiccupped, the earth was moving under his feet, he could swear by it, “I can't. I can't drink anymore.”
“Bullshit,” Brendon squeezed Ryan's shoulder even harder, “be a man!”
Ryan laughed at that silly provocative joke but let Brendon lead him.
+++
When he swallowed the first few gulps of the strongest alcohol he'd ever drunk, the edges of his vision became even more blurry. They talked about something he couldn't remember, Brendon was laughing all the time, and they even tried to dial that girl's number but failed, and were laughing again, and the world really seemed a better place. No, the best place that ever existed. After such an amount of alcohol, duh.
“Shush! Shush!” Brendon crept into his bedroom on his tiptoes as if he was afraid to wake somebody up, though there was nobody except them in the flat.
They crushed on Brendon's large bed and Ryan closed his eyes, smiling stupidly and trying to stop the world spinning by the power of his mind. He felt Brendon's fingers in his hair and in any other case he'd be surprised but now it was nice and Ryan leant into the touch.
“She doesn't deserve you,” Brendon stated drunk serious repeating the same phrase for about fifteenth time during the evening and managing to put it into different words every time, “She doesn't I swear.”
“I know,” Ryan answered slowly falling asleep.
“Don't even think about her,”
“I will not,” Ryan shifted into a more comfortable position.
“There are thousands, millions, man! Millions of women in the world, they are all around!”
“Mmhm,” Ryan was at his best at responding to Brendon's speech because even being drunk didn't mean he could be impolite, he thought.
“And dude, there are not only women waiting for you, right? There are also guys, huh?” he paused, “I remember you said you liked one back in your green promiscuous years.”
Ryan's eyes snapped wide open. In slow motion he turned his head to Brendon,
“What?”
He didn't know Brendon remembered that and he didn't expect for it to come up.
Brendon stared at him and even in the dark Ryan saw his vague smile. Suddenly the world stopped spinning and all the alcohol seemed to die in his veins.
“That was so long ago that I'm not sure now it's true anymore,” Ryan tried to play it cool, though something seemed to set deep in his stomach.
“Okay,” Brendon sang-song and Ryan looked at him again.
They laughed it off and fell silent at last, but “don't do anything you'll regret in the morning” hammered in Ryan's head until he fell asleep. He didn't even know what he could do to regret but felt that something had changed.
+++
A wild hangover woke them both up about 6 o'clock in the morning. Ryan was ready to chop his head off and put it into the fridge, it was aching that bad. Brendon got up with a groan and headed for the kitchen for the pills or something. Ryan followed.
“Jesus fuck, it hurts like a bitch,” Brendon rubbed his forehead, “no more drinking.”
Ryan couldn't even speak. Any sound tortured him, left alone the efforts to say anything himself. He swallowed the pill, drank two glasses of water and got back to the bed watching his surreal dreams up to the end.
+++
Ryan always considered himself straight. Yeah, okay, he had liked that boy when he studied in college, because he was cute and interesting to talk to, but no more. That single interest in a boy didn't make him even bi.
And now Brendon with his suggestive glares and smiles made Ryan feel paranoid because he thought they were hiding something.
Next day after the sleepover at Brendon's Ryan got a message from him:
“cant get last nite out of my mind”
Ryan read the message about ten times, then texted back:
“it was fun.are u still drunk?cos i am”
"rofl not sober much for sure”
Did Ryan imagine things or what exactly did Brendon mean by that very first message? He didn't get it yet.
+++
They started to spend more time together. It just happened and Ryan felt that Brendon and he were becoming closer. The sleepovers were a usual thing and often he stayed at Brendon's to watch a movie, talk till 2 in the morning and fell asleep right there.
Sometimes he noticed so much adoration in Brendon's eyes that he felt confused because Ryan didn't see what he could be adored for.
Beer was a usual thing too and once being just a little tipsy Ryan glanced at Brendon's lips and the idea to kiss them hit him so hard, he felt his quickened heartbeat in the throat.
He took a deep breath and pushed that ridiculous thought out of his head.
But he couldn't fall asleep for a long time that night. They slept in one bed, because Brendon insisted, because he said he slept badly, with nightmares, if there's no one near him, warm and alive. Of course Ryan couldn't say no. And now Brendon lay next to him but they didn't touch. Ryan thought that if he looked at him, something would happen. He resisted till he gave in and turned his head to Brendon, who was sleeping soundly.
Ryan sighed and closed his eyes. Name “Brendon” was pulsing in his brain and even when he fell asleep it crept into his dreams and was burning bright till the morning.
+++
A few days later Ryan was jerking off thinking of Brendon, his eyes, his gorgeous lips. He was honest with himself and couldn't deny that Brendon captured his imagination completely. Brendon's face was behind his eyelids when he reached the climax and came whispering his name like a sacrament.
+++
Before the following collapse took place Brendon managed to show Ryan that he preferred boys to girls in all the possible ways. It was not like,
“You know, Ryan, I'm gay.”
No. It was more like,
“Hey, check that guy out, he's pretty, huh? Nice ass.”
Or the unforgettable one which made Ryan choke on his cup of coffee,
“I'd go gay for Darren Criss.”
Ryan was confused inside but outside he nodded and smiled because he had nothing against Darren Criss really, and he'd never been homophobic either, and if Brendon liked some guy, good for him, right? Brendon's preferences in guys had nothing to do with Ryan personally.
Ryan just didn't want to take it as hints though they were hints, he thought at the same time. Had Brendon always been that gay and he just hadn't noticed? But on the other hand he really didn't want to know anything about that. Sometimes he was afraid of something that he felt and couldn't give a name to.
+++
Brendon's birthday party was kinda hardcore for Ryan. About twenty friends in a small café, beer everywhere and as a result a bunch of drunk people talking shit, laughing and having real fun.
Ryan knew that every time he got drunk, his mind became paralyzed by Brendon. His image, his lips, and what Ryan could do with them. Fantasies about him were fulfilling Ryan with a speed of light after every glass of beer.
Honestly when Ryan didn't spend much time with Brendon, he simply didn't think much about him. Then he thought that he saw things, and all his crazy intentions were just a minute urge, nothing he couldn't cope with. He knew he didn't want Brendon. He was far from 16-year old checking out his sexuality.
But sometimes, especially when he got drunk, the desire to feel Brendon's lips on his own, to find out what Brendon tasted like, was so strong, his mind went blank for a split second and his heart beat loudly and traitorously against the ribcage, and he couldn't control it at all.
He caught Brendon's glares on him and glared back, and every glare was becoming heavier, darker. It was like hypnoses, they couldn't stop.
Ryan was pretty drunk now and uncontrollable emotions were bumping in his veins making him dizzy. He felt weak in his knees when he stood up and headed to the toilet.
“Oh, I have to pee too,” he heard Brendon's voice and his head floated completely.
He tried to calm down in the closet. He pressed his forehead against the door and took a few deep-deep breaths.
When he came out Brendon was waiting for him.
And then he almost lost it.
Ryan saw himself coming up to Brendon, pressing him against the wall and kissing him furiously. Kissing him until their lips went numb, until he memorized Brendon's taste forever.
Ryan almost lost it, but he didn't.
He shook his head and with the remains of willpower pushed everything he'd just imagined out of his mind.
“Ready?” his smile was a little bit forced.
“Yup!” Brendon seemed not to notice anything going on with Ryan.
Or had he made everything up again and did all that shit exist only in his head?
They returned to their table and he felt he was becoming sober after his emotional breakdown which nobody noticed. His thoughts were clearer now and he tried not to look at Brendon as intensely as before. Everything’s okay, he repeated to himself and the adrenaline slowly died in his blood.
The wild urge to kiss Brendon disappeared but he never knew when and how heavy it would strike him next time.
+++
Ryan felt like an idiot. Like a 15-year-old idiot because he had a feeling he needed to do something but he was afraid of making that step. By “that step” he meant to talk with Brendon, to say to him that, you know, Brendon, you drive me crazy, kiss me. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Yeah, that was why Ryan felt like an idiot. It wasn't because he never kissed, Jesus, no, it was because he had never kissed a guy, Brendon, to be more accurate. And Ryan didn't want to be the first who started that, he didn't want to be responsible for everything that – probably – might happen after such a conversation. He didn't even want to think what might really happen after that.
Sometimes he was scared by the thought that he could fall in love with Brendon. It made him laugh but the idea was still there. He couldn't understand why he was so serious about that, why he couldn't just come up to Brendon, kiss him – if Ryan so crazy about it – and just forget it. Not a big deal, just a kiss. But he knew, knew for sure, that if they kissed, nothing would remain the same. It wouldn't be a kiss for fun, for finding out if they matched, something was already there.
He often remembered when Brendon kissed a boy he didn't even know the name of in front of about a hundred people, then got off the stage, smiled and carried on his way as if nothing happened. Well, yeah, that kiss with a stranger really meant nothing, but Brendon wasn't a stranger to Ryan.
But did Ryan mean something important for Brendon? Did he feel the same? Did Brendon want to talk to him? Did he want to kiss him too? And what did the fuck all those “I'd go gay for Darren Criss” mean? Ryan needed Brendon to assure him he wasn't a paranoid who saw only what he wanted to see.
Then why did Brendon himself do nothing? All what he had done were hints as if he was playing, checking out Ryan's reaction to his words. What if Brendon didn't feel the same way as Ryan? Brendon would laugh at him while Ryan was ready to admit he was gay.
Oh my god.
So Ryan returned to the point of whether he wanted to attempt anything at all. He didn't even know Brendon. He had spent with him thousands of hours and still didn't know anything about him. The way he might react, the depth of his feelings… Maybe they were so different from the very beginning to begin anything serious at all!
What the hell was he even thinking about? What feelings, Jesus, he was so-so fucked.
What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he just so lonely he fell for another guy, his friend, or was he always that gay, okay, bi at least, and didn't know about that? And why Brendon, why him? Why the fuck did Ryan tell him he had a crush on a boy, why the fuck did Brendon remember that?
At the end of that tremendous thinking which happened to be at about 5 o'clock in the morning, Ryan came to two conclusions. Either he kept a poker face forever waiting for all that shit to set down, to finish somehow, or he would talk to Brendon, clear everything up. Kiss him at last. And fuck everything that would follow it.
Shit. He was in a mess.
+++
The chance to realize his plans came up pretty soon. As they continued to hang out together Ryan stayed at Brendon's on one Friday night. He kept calm and acted as usual. Brendon acted as usual as well. Ryan was glad that nothing had changed but something inside was still wearing him out. God, why, why couldn't he just drop it, relax, forget about that? Not try to find something that would be definitely a sign for him to …
“You are quiet today,” Brendon noticed, “everything’s okay?”
No, Ryan thought, I think I'm falling in love with you.
But he just shrugged and smiled a little:
“Yeah,” he said and fell silent which was a mistake.
Brendon turned to him still chewing a piece of pizza which he had just cut off and looked at Ryan attentively.
“Sure?” he insisted.
“Of course,” he faked a laugh and hated himself already, he was such a coward.
“Okay,” Brendon picked up a plate with the cut pizza and announced, “Good movies make you feel even better!”
They chose Slumdog Millionaire and nested themselves on a cozy coach. The pizza was really delicious and the movie really interesting but all that Ryan could think of was that Brendon's hand was so close to his, he could reach out and take it in his own. He glanced at Brendon sideways who was watching the movie with full interest unaware of the rest of the world. His skin was glowing in the faint light of a TV screen, and Ryan wasn't drunk now, but the desire to feel the softness of that skin was overwhelming. He felt the air he'd exhaled stuck deep in his lungs, it hurt.
“I have to pee”, he proclaimed and got off the couch.
History repeated itself but now Ryan was absolutely sober and couldn't, couldn't, just couldn't control himself. What the fuck? He took a deep breath. Two, three. Okay, he would be alright. He couldn't spend the rest of the night in the closet, right? He should go out and watch the movie. Eat pizza. Smile. Nothing happened, nothing would.
But when Ryan opened the door he found himself face to face with Brendon who was going to the kitchen for the forgotten Cola.
“Hey,” Ryan's voice was shaking, he was shaking, Jesus fuck, “I think I should go, I don't feel very well.”
Brendon came up to him even closer and looked at him worriedly.
“What's wrong? You were okay two minutes ago.”
Ryan laughed nervously again and swallowed the lump in his throat.
“I need to go,” he repeated, even his voice sounded pathetic, he thought.
“It's late.”
“It'll take a taxi.”
“Ryan…”
“What?!” he snapped at last.
Brendon blinked in surprise.
“Easy, man, I just… “
“Easy? Everything is easy for you, huh?” Ryan really didn't know what the fuck he was doing.
Brendon didn't answer. They stared at each other for two full minutes, then Ryan sighed and said,
“Let me go.”
“I didn't chain you up to the radiator, the door is open, in case you haven't noticed.”
Ryan closed his eyes and leant against the wall. His heartbeat was so loud, he was surprised why Brendon hadn't heard it yet.
Now or never, Ryan thought, and his stomach made a couple of flip-flaps.
“I…” he started and licked his dried lips, “just…”
Brendon waited and Ryan felt his gaze.
“Why do you do this to me?” Ryan said at last and felt just a tiny-tiny bit better, because he said something at least.
Brendon's eyes grew even bigger.
“Do what?”
"Oh, please, don't act as if you didn't want me…” he paused trying to find the right words.
“I didn't want you?” Brendon seemed to be confused.
“Fuck!” Ryan stormed into the room where the movie was still on, “Okay, let's put it straight. Answer me: why did you remind me of my schoolboy crush when we were drunk? Why did you look at me like that?”
“Like what?!” Brendon was following Ryan who was running circles around the room, “I understand absolutely nothing!”
“Oh, shit!” Ryan stopped and pointed a finger at Brendon face, “have you ever looked at me like… a man looks at the woman?”
“What?”
Ryan hated him right now and then, he swore to God, he hated him.
“Are you dumb? Have you ever checked me out?”
Brendon's eyes cast down. Aha! He was blushing! Fuck yeah.
“Okay, I take it as a yes” Ryan triumphed.
“And so?” Brendon became no less emotional than Ryan, “Okay, yes, YES, I checked you out, and YES, I find you pretty, beautiful even, then what? It's not like you let me do anything with that. You live in that shell of yours and nobody dares even to have a look at that priceless shit which you contain!”
Brendon took a shaky breath when he understood that he said too much, too harshly.
“What?” Ryan looked at him in a complete shock. Brendon found him beautiful and he lived in a shell? Priceless shit? What the fuck was going on?
He sat down on the coach. The smell of cold pizza irritated him.
“I don't want to cause you pain,” Ryan whispered at last not looking at Brendon.
“Who said you cause me pain?” Brendon was near him already on his knees in front of him, trying to look in Ryan's eyes, “You just can't, it's your nature.”
“Bullshit! Brendon, you don't even know what you're talking about. You don't know me, you never did, and I'm really, really scared that…”
“Hey,” Brendon said softly, and Ryan would give everything to feel his touch right now, “You're right, I don't know you because you never show me. But if you do, I swear, I won't be afraid, because there's nothing to be afraid of and that is what I know for sure. Even you with your fucked-up theories about your precious personality can't talk me out of it.”
Ryan's heart ached. It was too much.
“Come here,” Brendon said and Ryan’d never been so grateful for a hug.
They stayed so for a minute until Ryan heard himself say,
“Would you kiss me?” he asked out of the blue and was ready to bite his own tongue because he really didn't want to ask that. That just flew out of his mouth. Fuck.
“Would you?” Brendon teased and now they were staring at each other, eyes huge.
“I don't want to beg” Ryan said.
“Don't. Just do it,” Brendon was smiling, and Ryan remembered that he already hated him for a moment tonight.
“You first,” Ryan was stubborn like a stupid kid.
“You're incredible,” Brendon said and leant down.
When their lips met, Ryan breath hitched and the stomach did a funny thing, but he closed his eyes and lost it at last. He was dreaming about that for so long and it felt so much better than in his dreams. It was soft and wet and so real it hurt but in the most pleasant way.
“Why didn't you do that earlier?” Ryan asked when they pulled off each other for the air.
“I was afraid you'd push me away, you're so serious and complicated”, Brendon answered smiling, “but I succeeded in showing you that I like guys, huh?”
“That was in the meanest way ever!”
"Sometimes it was so funny to watch you.”
Ryan's jaw dropped.
“What? I knew it! You ass!” he slapped his lightly on the head.
Brendon laughed.
“I can kiss your pain awaaaay,” he sang and took Ryan's hand, “what about that?”
“Yes,” he nodded, “yes, please.”
“Then, you, me, coach, now,” Brendon dragged him down and Ryan felt he was the happiest human being alive.
The End.
@темы: in english
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27.06.2011 в 22:37-
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27.06.2011 в 22:41-
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10.01.2013 в 13:45Фик - чудо!
Отлично написано - вроде и простым языком, но нет никакого ощущения...неполноты ( не знаю как объяснить то, что имею в виду
Понравилось еще то, что ты не изменила своему стилю написания - чувствуется, что это твоя работа
Отдельное спасибо за капли саркастичности и иронии - I like it
Образ Райки-паникера (мечущегося туда-сюда как влюбленная школьница тире истеричка) это вообще что то
А Брендон такой Брендон
цитаты ^_^
Спасибо за море позитива и няшности
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10.01.2013 в 14:18-
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10.01.2013 в 14:26ой, блин, забыла ><"
самая-самая цитата, а я,баран, ее не указала ><
"You live in that shell of yours and nobody dares even to have a look at that priceless shit which you contain!” - аплодирую стоя
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10.01.2013 в 20:54-
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10.01.2013 в 21:24^____^